Now, I’ve only been married nine years, five months, and four days, so I’m not claiming to be an expert on marriage or husbands—especially not on yours. But I have picked up a few battlefield tactics in the trenches of our marriage, and I’d like to pass them on to you.

You know how it goes. You get married knowing that this man’s your best friend, your soul mate. He’s got a few flaws, yes, but nothing that a wife can’t handle with grace and love.

After a while, the wife is handling it with grace. Lots of grace.

Then, she is handling it, but barely.

Finally, it becomes unavoidable: The man has got to change.

Here are five sure-fire ways to change him.

1. Nag

Remind him over and over that you do not like to unball his socks, find his keys, scrub toothpaste out of the sink. He’s a big boy; he can clean up after himself. And that honey-do list—keep the pressure up with daily reminders, and in times of dire need, accost him the instant he walks in the door.

2. Comment Publicly

Mention his shortcomings when you’re with friends. Laugh a little after you say it, so everyone can tell that you didn’t mean it. Everyone, that is, but him. He’ll know you meant it, and your message will be perfectly clear.

This one is also known as shaming.

3. Compare

Nothing inspires a man like being compared to all the fabulous, sensitive husbands out there, husbands vastly unlike him. If you combine #2 and #3 by doing your comparison in public, you may find it even more effective. Don’t forget to laugh a little.

4. Stop Talking

If he doesn’t want to please you by changing, then make your unhappiness known with a brooding silence. Talk and text with others a lot to make your silence with him all the more clear. Expect him to understand exactly why you are no longer talking to him.

5. Lash Out

Every time he asks something of you, snap at him. Resent his refusal to change until it spills out of you with little provocation. Cut him down to size. Snarl at him when he acts innocent. Get angry when he points out your flaws. You are the injured party here—never forget that.

Will this work? Absolutely. If you follow these tips, you will succeed.

He will change.

He will no longer be your best friend and soul mate.