I wrote this a few years ago. In reading it now, I find that what applied to miscarriage also applies to epilepsy. Except…I’m still going through the motions of thanking God from the rubble. Far easier to write of it than to do it.
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It took years—and the loss of three babies—for me to realize this simple truth: I deserve nothing. Not the children I desire, the salvation I need, the house I want, the husband I love. I don’t deserve it, have no right to expect it.
I love King David’s words in 1 Chronicles 29:14: “But who am I, and what is my people…? for all things come of thee, and of thine own have we given thee.” All that I am and own and claim is God’s, granted to me because He loves me.
This truth changed my life. I now hold what is dear to me with open hands, knowing it is all a gift. Gone are the fists clenched tightly around what is mine, the fists I dared to raise to God in my grief. I hold my gifts lightly, savoring each moment, for I know they can swiftly disappear.
Strange as it may sound, I can thank God for miscarriage. Thanksgiving doesn’t mean I’m glad my babies died. Thanksgiving means I am grateful to God for the lessons miscarriage taught me and for His faithful care of me. God never failed me. My own shattered expectations caused my pain. As I went through the motions of thanking God from the rubble of my dreams, I found that, over time, I became thankful. I found that God was bigger than my pain.
Once, I believed motherhood was mine to claim, but God showed me it was His to bestow. I do not know what the future holds, but as I sift through the pieces of the past, I find the faithfulness of God over and over again. Even when my tears fall into my open, emptied hands, I have a Father Who cares for me and for all mothers who weep for their children.
Beautiful and true!
This is beautiful!
What a poignant post. I’m thinking of friends who are today burying their husband, father, and brother. Death, loss, and suffering are part of our human existence on this earth. But still God commands us to be thankful.
And because of God, we have reason to be thankful. Thanks for showing that so clearly. He has never failed us.
Gina
Amen, Stephanie, Amen.
Since: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
and we also know: For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isa 55:8-9)
We know that we cannot comprehend the things of God but we have to Trust in Him, not by emotions, but by Faith. Is it easy to be a Christian? Is it easy to go through Trials? Nope, never. But We believe that Our God is Good…always. We will wait on Our Lord.
Prayers continue with Love <
So beautiful and just what I needed today! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I can’t put into words the many ways God has used your little blog to be a blessing to my life. Much love and prayers for your sweet family!
Stephanie, I’m agreeing with you in my heart…wanted you to know.
We lost a full-term baby in 1989. He was born with anencephaly and lived 20 minutes.
Loss and life and grieving and finally letting go changes us, doesn’t it.
XOXOXOXOXOX